just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
