I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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