do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
