I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
