Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
