My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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