I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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