I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
How does one acquire holy water?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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