yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
