I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
