Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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