my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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