I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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