Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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