i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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