Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
