Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
