dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
