i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
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