mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
