He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
