Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
