I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
