i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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