you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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