the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
