Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize