Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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