I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
