i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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