Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
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