I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
