I can text with my tongue
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
