omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
