Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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