woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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