I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
