two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
