Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
