i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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