I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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