I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
