Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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