i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
