Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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