that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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