I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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