Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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