you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize