she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
