God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
