Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
