My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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