why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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