Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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