two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
