My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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