So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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