mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
