My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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