I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
