She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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