Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
