My sheets look like a crime scene.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
