I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Randomize
