I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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